Answering Machine Messages


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Joke ID#859
Funny (3.19)
Rating (0.51)
CategoryOther / Misc  
Submitted ByDrunky
Corrected By juggleboy502
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(From a machine at a college dorm:)
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it
in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Beep" "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)
He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.'

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and
I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and
immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly
at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

~Credit to an email from a friend of mine




Comments on this Joke
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Posted by dsquared Apr 28, 2003

Have seen some of these before... some new ones... I love 'em Drunky ;P

Comment score: 0  

Posted by einat17 May 01, 2003

Good ones... though my personal favorite is George from Seinfeld - "Believe it or not George isn't at home please leave a message after the beep... I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone, where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home..."

Comment score: 0  

Posted by Pheonix_down Jun 05, 2003

Yeah that's my favorite too, but you forgot to mention that he sings it!

Comment score: 0  

Posted by avril_lavigne Oct 05, 2003

did you get these from quotes.com? I have read all of these before

Comment score: 1  

Posted by shimmermaid Aug 04, 2005

I love it!

Comment score: 0  

Posted by Fathead Aug 20, 2011

I love the one about the telepathic thought-recording device.

Comment score: -1  

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