Famous Quotes To Ponder


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Joke ID#6951
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Submitted Byjuggleboy502
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A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - James Baldwin

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. - Katherine Hepburn

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll." - George Carlin

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were? - Satchel Paige

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey

My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. It's not much of a watchdog, but it's a vicious gossip. - Craig Shoemaker

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions. - Woody Allen

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them! - George Carlin

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. - Ronald Reagan

If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn't look very cozy. - Jennifer Lopez

Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better. - George W. Bush

I'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow, he's really not a very good actor!' - Ashton Kutcher

Profanity is the adjective of the feeble minded. - Gordon Lane

When people say "clean as a whistle", they forget that a whistle is full of spit. - George Carlin

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

He who stops being better stops being good. - Oliver Cromwell

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy - Erica Jong

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. - Albert Einstein

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it! - Franklin Jones

Outside of the killings, Washington DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Marion Barry

A hospital bed is a parked taxi, with the meter running - Groucho Marx

I would never die for my beliefs, because I might be wrong. - Bertrand Russell

A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits. - Richard Nixon

I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror. - Richard Lewis

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. - Dolly Parton

Dog is God spelled backwards. That means something, I'm just not sure what exactly, but human is numah spelled backwards. - Marc-Christophe

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms? - George Carlin

According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does. - Conan O'Brien

30. All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. - Ellen DeGeneres

Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance? - Phyllis Diller

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language. - Caroline Rhea

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein

Having kids is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. - Martin Mull

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. - Howard Aiken

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram." - Rita Rudner

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made. - George Burns

Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana. - Groucho Marx

I don't think my family liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. - Woody Allen

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. - Janeane Garofalo

When will all the rhetorical questions end? - George Carlin

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout. - Joan Rivers

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. - Willy Wonka

Whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're probably right. - Henry Ford

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. - Harry S. Truman

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money. - Groucho Marx

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer

50. The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. - John Paul Getty

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces. - Judith Viorst

It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. - Bertrand Russell

You make a living by what you get, you make a life by what you give - Winston Churchill

If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. - Martin Luther King Jr.

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. - Tom Lehrer

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. - Anonymous

There are very few people who don't become more interesting when they stop talking. - Mary Lowry

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. - Fran Lebowitz

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. - Red Skelton

Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. - Bertolt Brecht

Always be sincere. Even if you don't mean it. - Harry S. Truman

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge. - George Carlin

First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win. - Mahatma Gandhi

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. - George Carlin

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. - Albert Einstein

Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them were serious. - Alan Minter (Boxer)

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. - Emo Philips

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Samuel Goldwyn

If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck. - Elvis Presley

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen

If life gives you lemons, make some sort of fruity juice. - Conan O'Brien




Comments on this Joke
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Posted by funnydude Jun 27, 2005

hehe, i like these, the george carlin ones are purdy funny!!!

Comment score: -1  

Posted by megmeg504 Jul 11, 2005

i lyke these! good 1 jb502! lOl

Comment score: -1  

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