Ernie the Hamster


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Joke ID#6254
Funny (2.99)
Rating (2.38)
CategoryMen / Women  
Submitted Byjuggleboy502
Corrected By boodler
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If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish. It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded.

"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" she inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wonderous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know, "maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.

"This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen, because Ernie is a boy."

"What?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male, and occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?"! my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing, that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its teeny little ..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.



Comments on this Joke
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Posted by gilmoregirlsfan Jun 17, 2005

lol

Comment score: 1  

Posted by funnydude Jun 17, 2005

LOL!!!!! funny one, defintely on my favs!!!!!!!!

Comment score: 0  

Posted by imlaughin Jul 30, 2005

me 2, nasty, but funny!

Comment score: 3  

Posted by buttons Sep 15, 2005

Hilarious

Comment score: 2  

Posted by zemoxian Sep 19, 2005

How do I explain the tears? I'm supposed to be working! I think I broke something trying to muffle the noise. At least I have the office to myself at the moment...

Comment score: 2  

Posted by seandidy Oct 13, 2005

I think this is were I re-think buying a new hamster,we should all learn from your mistake.HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA hA HA HA HA HA ha ha HA HA.........Woooooooooo

Comment score: 2  

Posted by mosi12345 Dec 22, 2005

cant breath *gasps* help *colasps on the ground* lololololololololololololololololololol

Comment score: 2  

Posted by goosh Dec 24, 2005

lol, funny stuff!

Comment score: 2  

Posted by MissSmartySkort Jun 10, 2006

so funny!!! lol this is going in my favorites

Comment score: 0  

Posted by bonnieshad Nov 20, 2006

OMG!!!!! THAT IS SOOOO FUNNY!!!!!! I CANT HELP BUT LAUGH WHIKE IM WRITING THIS MESSAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment score: -1  

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