From the Golden Age of Comedy


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Joke ID#3922
Funny (2.86)
Rating (0.73)
CategoryOther / Misc  
Submitted ByAnchMike
Corrected By boodler
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"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." - Jack Benny

"When I was born I was so surprised that I didn't talk for a year and a half." - Gracie Allen

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has-been was once an are." - Milton Berle

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." - George Burns

"You're never too old to become younger." - Mae West

"I hate the theatre. I also hate the sight of blood, but it's in my veins." - Charlie Chaplin

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age." - Lucille Ball

"I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it." - W.C. Fields

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." - Henny Youngman




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