Things to say to Telemarketers


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Joke ID#1902
Funny (3.2)
Rating (0.69)
CategoryOther / Misc  
Submitted ByNewf
Corrected By silly_goose
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1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me neither!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.




Comments on this Joke
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Posted by hilo Jul 25, 2003

21 say "Yay!" in a child like voice after everything they tell you. i.e. if they are giving more minutes to a cell phone say, "yay! more minutes! yay!"

Comment score: 3  

Posted by deepsea Aug 12, 2005

22)relate everything they say to a long sad story

Comment score: 2  

Posted by Celanba Jun 19, 2006

23) Pretend you don't speak English. Example: "¿Hola? ¿Quién es? ¿Qué quieres? Estoy ocupada."

Comment score: 2  

Posted by Shastaki Aug 29, 2006

24) Repeat everything they say back to them. This works best if you can mimic their voice. i.e. Them: "Hi! Can I interest you in double-glazed windows?" You: "Hi! Can I interest you in double-glazed windows?"

Comment score: 3  

Posted by enderofgames Apr 19, 2007

25) Pretend you know nothing about the company, and keep asking them questions about. Especially dumb ones, like how many bathrooms are in the central office.

Comment score: 0  

Posted by ouchy1 May 22, 2008

26) Pretend you just called the pizza place and attempt to order pizza from them.

Comment score: 0  

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