Joke 10

Joke ID#16230
Funny (2.81)
Rating (0.92)
CategoryOther / Misc  
Submitted Byshenqiang
Corrected By boodler
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A man was boasting to his friend, "You know, I am a well known collector of antiques." His friend replied, "Yes, I know, I have seen your wife."

Tom: I went out fishing with my wife this morning.
Sam: You're lucky, I'm still using worms.

"Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. Why Dad? Tell me why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, son, she didn't get the fax."

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

The wife phoned her husband in the office and said, "Darling, come home early, we are going to have mother for dinner." "Good," replied the husband, "make sure she's well done."

Then there was this ten-year old child who shot both his parents and pleaded with the judge for mercy because he was an orphan.

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure," replied her lover "What's your number?"

Young Man: Would you like to dance with me?
Young Woman: Do you expect me to dance with a baby?
Young Man: I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were pregnant.

Have you heard about this boy who could think of nothing but girls, girls and more girls? However, he has outgrown it. Now all he thinks of is women.

If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker. If he is bald at the back, he is sexy. If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.

A young woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. "Can you identify yourself?" asked the bank clerk. The young woman opened her handbag, took out a mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me alright."

"Do you know I own a bank now?"
"Oh really, what is the name of your bank?"

A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died."
"But you see I'm alive," smiled the friend.
"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."

Doctor: We operated on your eyes and we've managed to save one of them.
Patient: Oh, thank you very much.
Doctor: Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out.

A doctor sent a bill to his patient. Underneath the bill he wrote: "This bill is now one year old." Back came the reply: "Happy Birthday!"

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and
asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."

"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor."
"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?" "Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."

A guy about to be electrocuted phoned his lawyer from the death chamber. "They are about to make me sit in the electric chair. You are my lawyer, tell me what do I do now?" The lawyer thought for a moment and then said, "Don't sit down."

A visitor to a graveyard came across a tombstone with the inscription: "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man." After reading it he remarked: "They must be short of space in this graveyard. They're having to put two in a grave."

A visitor in a town asked a passerby: "Do you have a criminal lawyer in town?" The old man replied, "Well, we think so, but we can't prove it."

Judge: I've decided to award your wife $500.00 a month.
Husband: That's very generous of you, your honour, I'll give her $20.00 myself, too!

Court scene:
1st Lawyer: You're a fool
2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.
Judge: As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case?

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?" The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

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