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Joke ID#13784
Funny (2.62)
Rating (1.38)
CategoryOther / Misc  
Submitted Byburdenxx
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My job is secure. No one else wants it.

You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares

This is my other car!

And on the eighth day, God went fishing

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Stop the violins. Visualize whirled peas.

Gun Control isn't about guns. It's about control.

There's too much youth; how about a fountain of smart.

My computer doesn't understand me!!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings

Grandchildren are spoiled because you can't spank the Grandma!

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway

Support Capitol Punishment, Flog a Politician Today

I'd rather be hunting

Sometimes I wish life had subtitles

Save the humans

The gene pool could use a little chlorine!

Hang up and drive!

Proud member of the vast right-wing conspiracy

I'd rather be fishing

If you took an IQ test, the results would be negative

I souport publik edukashun

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity

I'd rather be driving a golf ball

I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong!

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

A politician should do two terms - one in office and one in jail

Tired of being around? Call Dr. Jack

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My other car bumper sticker is funny

If all else fails .. lower your standards

Bosses are like diapers. Full of shit and all over your ass!

The religious right is neither

It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees.

Nuke the gay unborn baby whales for peace

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Don't laugh .. It's paid for!

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing

He who dies with the most toys, wins!

My other car is a Porsche

Cat: The other white meat

I'm in no hurry, I'm on my way to work

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time

Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it

The #1 cause of divorce is ... Marriage

Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive.

We are spending our kids inheritance.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Some days you're the Dog, & Some days you're the Hydrant

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Don't let school interfere with your education

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

My karma ran over your dogma

I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you

Shit happens!

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

If it's tourist season then why can't we shoot them?

Men have feelings too, but who really cares?

And on the eighth day, God went skiing

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

Athletes love to score

Not all women are fools. Some are single.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane

Yes, I've heard of ""decaf."" What's your point?

Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children

Procrastinate Later

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I love cats, they taste just like chicken

Men are idiots and I married their king

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

The best way to get on your feet is to get off your ass!

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes!

Caution! Driver just doesn't give a shit anymore!

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Have a crappy day

God grant me patience. And I want it NOW!

Impeach Clinton. And her husband.

I'll do it tomorrow, I've made enuf mistakes today

Remember when sex was safe and motorcycles were not!

Caution! I brake for tailgaters

Life's too short to date ugly women

Liberals want misery spread equally

I'm looking for true love. But I'll settle for cheap sex.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Love is free. It's diapers that are expensive

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Life would be so much easier if we just had the source code

Annoy a liberal. Work hard and smile

Proud to be an American

Lottery! A tax on people who are bad at math

Mean people suck

Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people!

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them

I am an escapee of a political correction facility.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot!

I still miss my Ex ... but my aim is improving

Women who want to be equal to men lack ambition

Computers cut my work in half and the boss expects me to put it all back together!

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself!

Give me coffee and no one will get hurt

Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee

Ignore your rights and they'll go away

C code. C code run. Run, code, run! (please?)

If you're rich, I'm single!

This truck belongs to me. Everything else belongs to her

The complaint department is closed!

I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it

Work is for people who don't know how to golf

Get even. Live long enough to be a problem to your children

Question Authority before it Questions You!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Support the right to arm bears!

I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

Invest in America Buy a Congressman!

A woman with a big fat ass should dump him

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an idiot!

You can't fix stupid

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

I AM in shape. Round is a shape.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I've run out of sick days, so I'm calling in dead!

Politically incorrect and proud of it

Vegetables aren't food. Vegetables are what food eats.

If you drink like a fish - swim, don't drive

I don't give a damn what your other car is!

Earth First. We'll screw up the other planets later.

Warning! Driver only carries $20 in ammunition

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle

If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether

Gun control is being able to hit your target

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you

I drive way too fast to worry about cholestrol

Reality is the leading cause of stress

Good planets are hard to find

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

Jesus is coming! Look busy

Same BS, different day

I like your approach, let's see your departure

Life's too short to date ugly men

I said for better or for worse, not forever!

If the van's a' rockin, don't come a' knockin

Computer Literacy? You mean my computer is supposed to be able to read?

Quiet! Genius at work

Work is for people who don't surf the net!

Men are pigs

Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

I love my country. It's the government I'm afraid of.

I respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it!

Remember when Windows were washed, mice were trapped, and UNIX guarded the harem?

Why should we trust the government with automatic weapons?

Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

What part of ""NO"" don't you understand?

Panic now and avoid the rush

I fight poverty, I work

If men are from Mars, then why can't we send them back?

The opposite of progress is Congress

When the going gets tough, everybody leaves

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

The best things in life aren't things

If you can read this, you are too close!

God's last name is not damnit!

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

America - Love it or leave it

DAMM - Drunks against Mad Mothers

I love my boss, I love my job, I'm self employed

I always wanted to be a procrastinator; never got around to it.

Life's a bitch and then you die!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

I'd rather be playing golf

Life is like a box of chocolates .. full of nuts!

To hell with the dog, beware of the owner

I'm not as think as you drunk I am

Was today really necessary?

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog

The computer revolution is over and the computers won!

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

It's bad enough driving sober. Don't drive drunk

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you!

Few women admit their age ... Fewer men act theirs

Honesty pays, but not enough

Computers aren't intelligent. They just think they are.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

If this car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it

A bad day of golf beats a good day of working

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Ask me if I care!

Good cowgirls keep their calves together

Work is for people who don't know how to fish

The ten commandments aren't multiple choice

I don't deserve self esteem

I'm not deaf. I'm just ignoring you.

Proud to be a Democrat

Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Falwell and Robertson don't speak for me!

I finally got it all together, but I forgot where I put it

First they burn books then they burn people

Ask me about my vow of silence

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I only look Sweet & Innocent

You have the right to remain silent. So please SHUT UP.

Work harder. Millions on welfare depend on you

My other car is also a piece of junk

And on the eighth day, God played golf

If women are from Venus, then why can't we send them back?

Conservatives suck

A bad day of fishing beats a good day of working

Meeting - an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

Not all men are fools. Some are single.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance

Death Before Dishonor Nothing Before Coffee

Proud to be a Republican

I love cats. Want to trade recipes?

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer

I'd rather be skiing

Hey jerk, you are driving a car, not a phone booth

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

My kid beat up your honor student

Love is a 4-letter word

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

Comments on this Joke
Hide Comments Below :
Posted by qwerty123 Nov 10, 2006

pretty funny but too long should have broken up into 3 or 4 different ones

Comment score: 1  

Posted by ntsoaky Nov 15, 2006

true that, qwerty. They r funny, 2 long and some r duplic8d.

Comment score: 2  

Posted by taran083 Nov 25, 2006

most are duplicated and ya, way too long. try again though ^^

Comment score: 1  

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