10 Commandments of College


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Joke ID#13327
Funny (1.77)
Rating (2.25)
CategoryCollege  
Submitted Bychoirangel06
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Student was searching for divine inspiration. Student walked high on the mountain of knowledge and came across God. Student asked God how to live life as a college kid should. And God said unto him, follow these Ten Commandments and you shall be all a college kid is. And Student thanked God and it was good. And Student spread the Ten Commandments of College to all.



I- Thou Shalt Nap

And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.



II- Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time

Now God said to Student, you must be sick all of the time. And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and make out with people you don't know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.



III- Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages

Student asked, but God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And God said unto him, thou shall write witty away messages. God said to student, you shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say you are getting wet and wild...in the shower. You shall never say you are at class, you shall say you are sleeping...in class. God said, if you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you. Blessed are the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends but never hook up with them. And it was good.



IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie

And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a college kid. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked God what kind of Hoodie should it be and God said, you shall own one with your school's logo on it and you shall own many others of varying colors and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was pleased.



V- Thou Shalt Shit a Lot

And Student asked of his bathroom habit and God told him, Student, you shall eat in the Cafeteria and you shall shit a lot. And it will not be good shit, it will be the shit of the devil for your ass shall burn for hours. Your school shall put laxatives in their food and you shall feel their pain. And Student began to weep, and God said unto him, Student, fear not the shit, for all your fellow students will be experiencing the same. And Student dried his eyes and thanked God and God told him to use wet naps to ease the pain.



VI- Thou Shalt Eat EasyMac

Student asked unto God if there was any alternatives to the cafeteria, and God said to him, you shall eat a lot of EasyMac. It is easy to make and you don't need milk or a stove. And student said microwaves were forbidden by the RA. And God said to him, you shall hide the microwave under your bed with a towel on top. And Student asked, what if it is discovered. And God told him to stop being such a pussy, and it was good.



VII- Thou Shalt Hook Up

Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good. And Student became gleeful and God told Student to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but Student does not.



VIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings

Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things. So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because the glee club is gay. And Student understood His wisdom.



IX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused

God said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are. You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in Sharpie. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student understood and God took a sip of a beer.

And God gave Student the final Commandment



X- Thou Shalt Gain Weight

And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still get ass even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore. Student felt better and God pointed to Student's chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits. And it was good.

This is the word of God, follow the Ten Commandments of College or you will be smote!



Comments on this Joke
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Posted by sweetmariah Dec 17, 2006

i hated it. that was bad. it was stupid.

Comment score: 2  

Posted by Squelch Jan 24, 2007

i thought it was fricken hilarious

Comment score: 1  

Posted by IheartSatan Aug 31, 2007

Wow loosen up Guys. I don't know man, I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-Shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party. I think he would like this joke.

Comment score: 4  

Posted by fittyBONE Sep 01, 2007

You people need to get over yourselves. Funny is funny, and 'HOLY' crap! This was funny! Stop whining.

Comment score: 4  

Posted by hawkeyegirl Sep 01, 2007

This is funny and you guys are over reacting. You all must have either not gone to college or gone to some religious college where you never got the chance to develope a sense of humor.This isnt taking gods name in vain, its simply a parody to the 10 commandments and a funny one at that. So get over it, you dont know god so dont act like you know what he/she would find funny or what he/she might be offended by. p.s. this is from the book the collegehumor guide to college. read it, it is amazing.

Comment score: 6  

Posted by breadman20 Sep 02, 2007

Instead of the author seeking “church” perhaps the above "Jesus Joke Cops" ought to hop off their pedestal of self-aggrandizing internet joke website “superiority”, and realize that perhaps there are people who exist who don’t share your views, and in fact can appreciate a decent joke. Also, I wonder if it is a coincidence that those accusing the author of the joke of blasphemous acts are guilty of some ATROCIOUS grammar boo-boos…

Comment score: 2  

Posted by fittyBONE Sep 02, 2007

Jesus hates errors in punctuation. Actually, it's the only thing He hates. He told me so. And from what I've heard, He also seriously dislikes spelling errors and good old-fashioned grammar fallacies.

Comment score: 2  

Posted by facebook1 Sep 04, 2007

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Comment score: 2  

Posted by playerhaterr Sep 10, 2007

goddamn this was good

Comment score: 1  

Posted by DanO Sep 10, 2007

Jesus Christ!

Comment score: 1  

Posted by ducz03 Sep 10, 2007

why are all these religious people getting all uptight about this? if they really practiced any sort of christianity wouldn't they, instead of going nuts, stay reserved and quiet, "knowing" that the person who wrote this is doomed for eternal damnation? he's not, streeter is the man, i'm just saying. these guys need to choose their battles more wisely.

Comment score: 1  

Posted by sdolan617 Sep 24, 2007

Anyone who doesn't appreciate how funny, witty, and well written this article is obviously never attended college because if they had they would appreciate Streeter's writing. Get over yourselves and stop policing the internet, hating on people's hard work because of your own closemindedness. Streeter Seidell didnt even post this here, someone else did. This article was a hit on collegehumor.com and was published in one of thier books so basically you religious fanatics can kick rocks cause it doesnt matter what you think the article is funny. pwnage.

Comment score: 1  

Posted by xxpsycho37xx Nov 05, 2007

omfg!!!! i loved it.. and for all you religious nuts, just remember that some of us find YOUR jokes about other religions just as offenceful... just go to college and you will understand... im in my dorm now with some easy mac and this girl i met at a party last night... i wrapped it and tapped it and i dont remember why i got my nose pierced last week... btw... im a college freshman... its very true and hilariously funny... congrats on the awesome joke.

Comment score: 0  

Posted by ministerofborio Jul 23, 2008

Funny thing is, that kind of stuff started after I stopped going to college. I should like to say to all who freaked out about the joke, twas a joke! Please, if you are trying to convert people, be nice. Jesus is one friggin awesome dude. Did he ever run around beating people with his words? Only when they took money from the poor or thought themselves better than others.

Comment score: 1  

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