If ______ Made Toasters

Joke ID#6789
Funny (2.22)
Rating (0.7)
Submitted Byjuggleboy502
Corrected By schatzy228
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If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home, you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster, where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million, but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth, and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified, government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, and it could be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread and then pops it up like a jack-in-the-box.

If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it, anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.

Comments on this Joke
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Posted by funnydude Jun 20, 2005

lol, good tech joke!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment score: -1  

Posted by ac3p1l07 Jun 20, 2005

If Linux made toasters their toaster would be simple and easy to use.

Comment score: 3  

Posted by karusho-san Nov 25, 2005

If BSD made toasters, people could download them free and figure out that the version bought is much better.

Comment score: 1  

Posted by cartwheelmac Feb 07, 2006

They don't. It says IF they made toasters!

Comment score: 2  

Posted by schatzy228 Mar 03, 2006

if donald trump made toasters, you would be fired before the bread was toasted really good job--goes into my favs, and i e-mailed it to some friends

Comment score: 2  

Posted by EnderofGames Mar 23, 2006

I agree with ac3p1l07. Apple doesn't have everything microsoft does. They haven't even figured out how to put more than one button on a mouse, yet. Besides the fact the Apples aren't worth all the money they charge...

Comment score: 1  

Posted by EnderofGames Mar 23, 2006

My agreeing with ac3p1l07 had nothing to do with the part about how stupid apple is... but linux is good! Good joke, though.

Comment score: 1  

Posted by benjam Aug 02, 2006


Comment score: 0  

Posted by benjam Sep 06, 2006

This is a REALLY DUMB JOKE: If Canon made toasters, they would have a TV or PC jack and instead of a bell that rings when it is done it makes a huge flash and a picture of the bread would come out. Also the bread would be really hot from the 10000000000000000 watt bulb used for the flash. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Comment score: 2  

Posted by ouchy1 Nov 22, 2007

If the IRS made toasters, you would put 10 pieces of bread in, get one piece back, and then receive a fine saying you didn't put enough toast in.

Comment score: 3  

Posted by ouchy1 Nov 28, 2007

Sorry i meant bread

Comment score: 2  

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